Fixing Valentine’s Day
Have you ruined Valentine’s Day yet? Give it time.
You forgot an important date. You said something you shouldn’t have said (aloud). You butt-dialed someone really inappropriate. You got over-the-top angry over a trifle. Now somebody’s hurt or angry, and you’re to blame.
Hey, it happens to all of us. We say or do something we regret. We feel a prick of guilt, a whisper of remorse. We know we should face what we’ve done and try to make things right with the person we hurt. In fact, there’s usually a do-over window when we can go back and set things right. Yet, whether out of shame or ignorance, we let those moments pass. Then we’re left with our errors intact, and only a cringe-worthy memory to show for it.
In my years as a writer and editor, I’ve learned to accept the human need to revise. If our intentions don’t come out right the first time, we can almost always go back and fix it. Of course, I’m not just talking about the written word.
I’m talking about the ability to admit when we’re wrong and do what we can to make it right.
So for Valentine’s Day, I’m offering a solution for anyone who might have screwed up yesterday, today, or ever. It’s the four-step apology.
Step 1: Admit it.
The most important part of any apology is to first admit that you’ve made a mistake, which may seem obvious. But the admission is often the hardest part for many people. Human nature tells us to believe that we are innocent, or at least justified.
Remember when you were little, and you screwed up in some way? Maybe you had a feeling, an emotional experience that a friend of mine used to call, “that uh-oh feeling in your tummy.” Call it intuition, your belly barometer, or a gut feeling, that response helps us sense danger and trouble. Intuition serves us well, alerting us to disturbances in the heart.
The uh-oh feeling is your cue. Be brave, and look at what you did to cause the situation or make it worse.
Step 2: Express it.
Whenever you’ve done harm, whether to a person’s physical body, material possessions, or spirit, you need to express regret for the harm you committed. Use your words. The most common words are, “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong.” Here are a couple more for your back pocket:
You didn’t deserve that.
I wish I could take back what I said.
Please forgive me.
Can we start over?
Step 3: Fix it.
The right words mean nothing if you don’t take responsibility for what you did. A good apology is no good whatever if it doesn’t contain some kind of repair. Restitution can be as simple as a promise —“How can I make this up to you?” — or as complex as a major course correction: “I’m ready to get help with my anger issues.”
Step 4: Change it.
If the offending behavior was truly egregious, like cheating on your partner or causing a big drunken scene at your sister’s wedding, you have a lot of work ahead of you. But change still begins by acknowledging your remorse and accepting responsibility for the pain you caused.
Make good on your promises, especially the promise to do better. And watch all your relationships bloom.
Excerpted from Not Just Words: How a Good Apology Makes You Braver, Bolder, and Better at Life.